yeah when i was only seventeen
Start at the very beginning, what’s your name?
Jessica! Hello there.
Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
Everything I really wear nowadays is a pair of skinny jeans, so...yes.
If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
Classic. Well. I'd spy on the people I know, to see if they're who I really think they are. I'd travel, like hop on a plane to NY or London or Paris or somewhere. I'd steal a lot of money from a bank somewhere so I could be comfortably rich. I'd walk around naked, for sure. I'd see what secret meetings are like...like faculty members, governmental meetings. I'd also probably spy on some very attractive celebrities. SORRY.
Does the person you like, like you back?
Yeah, I think so. Though he's not doing well at showing it lately. I'm starting to doubt it.
What did you do last night?
Went to the joint bday party, drove home, ate some Nutella, Tumblred, and slept around 4 am.
Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Most definitely.
Are you your mum’s favorite child?
I don't want to say yes, but probably yes.
Are you happy with the way things are going?
Generally speaking, yes. But we're at the beginning of a quarter; everything seems hopeful and possible right now.
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
No, though I did wake up at noon (at my alarm) to check for a text message that had not come, then promptly went back to sleep for an hour or so.
Sleep on your back or stomach?
Sleep on my back more than my stomach, but mostly sleep on my side nowadays.
What were you doing before this survey?
Going to the bathroom. Informaaaaation.
Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
No, and I actually don't get that tendency. What is with that??
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Well, in the heart of the quarter when I'm tired as crap, usually five minutes at most, sometimes I swear it's less than 60 seconds from the time my head hits the pillow to when I'm crashed out. But now that I'm well-rested after a week of break...I don't know. It has been taking a good 10 minutes. Sometimes it'll take up to an hour if I'm trying something I can't really justify schedule-wise. Like, tonight...I have only been up for 11 hours, but I need to be up in 6. I SHOULD be sleeping right now, but I know getting in bed is futile and I don't want to sit there frustrated for an hour. Thus, surveys. Soon, Skins.
It’s Thursday night, where are you usually?
Used to be TV Thursday until things got awkward...before that used to be dinner with Dad...last quarter used to be vegging out post colloquium...nowadays it's just sort of watching the comedies and preparing for lab meeting.
Your Christmas list consists of?
I haven't officially made one, but unofficially in my brain it contains: a fancy cast iron tea pot and set with small round (no handle) cups, Just Dance 1 and 2 on Wii, workout DVDs (especially intense cardio, dance, or abs ones), Inglot pigments/mixing medium, this $179 purple dress that looks amazing on me from Macy's.
What movie is in your DVD player?
It's Boot Camp Cardio with Billy Blanks. And that shit was intense too.
If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
No questions asked? What exactly does that mean...I'm going to assume no consequences and no missing shit either. Scotland. Probably Edinburgh? Or of course New York.
What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Not a lot of 'greatness' in today...I'm going to say finding that the nailpolishes I was interested in were only $3 each AND they had the white which I decided today I wanted.
Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
Yes, of course. Grad school is chock full of self doubt.
What’s going on tomorrow night?
Probably sleeping early like a fool because I didn't sleep much tonight. Oh and I'm supposed to work out and try Express Yoga.
Do you know a lot of people with the same phone as you?
Yes. In fact I got it because I was jealous of the few people who already had it. I can think of at least...4 right away that have it.
Is your hair curly or straight right now?
Straight, but oddly up. Because it's fourth day hair. That's right. I've trained my hair to only be washed once a week, when I don't have to be seen all day every day. Another pro to break that may not continue into stress land of real life.
What do you really think of Starbucks Coffee?
I honestly don't like it very much. I used to be way into it, but I don't drink a ton of frou-frou drinks anymore, and really their frapps aren't that great anyway, taste-wise. They have the best texture of blended drinks, but it's all a little tasteless and bland to me nowadays.
Does anyone love you?
Yeah, I'm pretty lucky to have a lot of love in my life, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like that.
Want to be taller or shorter?
I'm fine where I am, but if I have to choose one, I'd rather be a little taller than shorter.
What are you listening to?
Just switched over to the divine "Furr" by Blitzen Trapper -- one of a very few songs that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me stop doing whatever I was doing when I heard it for the first time. Just...inexplicably perfect and catching and enthralling and engaging and necessary. Also, one of my birthday year songs ("on the day that I turned 23").
When was the last time you really laughed?
Probably yesterday at the party, when Karen was telling her story about sprinting too quickly.
Do you listen to music every day?
I think so, yeah. Between the radio in the car, the iPod on walks, Pandora while in the office, iTunes while working at home, music channels on the TV when cooking/cleaning/Internet-ing, and my iPod rigged to come on anytime my bathroom lights go on...I think I'm almost constantly music-ing. It'd be hard to avoid any one day, but maybe. I also go to sleep to an iPod playlist. Hmm.
Is the last person that you had a conversation with a male or a female?
Texting, female. Gchat, female. In person...female. So, female!
What’s the last thing you said out loud?
“Have a good night" to the grocery store worker as I checked out with my bounty of food that is now rolling around painfully in my stomach.
‘How was your day?
It was okaaaay though not as I imagined it in my hour of post-alarm hazy dream-sleep, nor as I planned it. Hang outs that should have turned into make outs got canceled and instead I just bought/ate a ton of shit. I did watch a lot of Skins and paint my nails though, and send a few emails I needed to. So... okay overall, but definitely not as good as or what I wanted.
Describe how you feel right now in three words:
Stuffed, anticipatory anxiety. Or if you want one sentence: Hoping things align.
If someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?
To love someone openly and have them love me back openly, to the same degree. Makeup and money and clothes and vacations and free time and entertainment and sleep. Happiness. To lose 30 pounds.
Has a girl sat on your bed before?
Yes. Multiple people have sat on my bed, but unlike today's possible plans and how they played themselves out in my dreams this morning...no one has been in it with me officially.
Plans for Saturday?
This Saturday? As of now, a big fat nothing. But my plans usually come together last minute for weekends, and also I would be a-okay with vegging here alone with that bottle of champagne I haven't managed to drink for the past month.
Who was the last person besides yourself to touch something on your face?
Weird question there, skippy. Um...Jean kissed me on the cheek last night, that counts, right?
What was your dream about last night?
I had weird ass dreams because I took Nyquil. But I don't expressively remember...oh wait, yes I do. I had made reservations at a really nice restaurant and asked J to come with me, who brought some friend (always a friend) and we got there on time, but we couldn't find where to go inside because it was combined hotel/restaurant. I went to find the concierge and check in, and he was foreign and busy-like and all "no, you don't check in at this desk, sit over there and wait." So we did, and then other people came including Karen who was trying to figure out if Paul was coming through text and I think others and everyone was getting restless and wanted to leave anyway, and our reservation was for 8:30 and it was 9:10 and I went back to that desk like COME ON DUDE we had a reservation for 3 at 6:30 (or 8:30, can't remember exactly) and it's much later than that now, and he goes "oh well you didn't say you had a reservation, yes your table is here" but then he sat us at the same table as another couple just a chair in between us, and it was awkward, and we had to decide who would come and who wouldn't since the reservation was only for 3, and J was weirdly silent/non-actor the entire dream. What that means -- who knows. Then I woke up, saw I had no message, did half-sleep and imagined all the inappropriate things I could be doing later that day in my apartment or his place. NONE OF WHICH HAPPENED. Ugh, expectations. Long answer!
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Nothing particularly notable at the exact moment, but you know...things are relatively good. Could certainly be much worse.
Where were you at 9 am this morning?
Dreaming that crazy shit I typed above.
Everything happens for a reason?
I think so , yes..
Are you too forgiving?
Probably. I'm at the very least someone who will let you get away with way too much if I care about you. I generally just don't think it's worth the effort to get worked up about things publicly. I prefer to go cry by myself thanks.
Do you think people talk about you?
Yes, I've learned that.
What do you carry with you at all time?
Maybe my phone. Not much nowadays, post the purse stealing.
Do you and your parents get along?
Mostly yes.
This time last year, were you single?
Yes. This time last year I was still working on getting over a certain long and drawn out situation that had recently definitively ended.
Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Searched? No.
Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes, at least if I'm in the front seat. And ALWAYS when driving. I just don't feel right without it on.
Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
Ha yes. Or at least that everyone hated for me, as in thought was terrible for/to me.
Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?
There are about 10 of those someones, but I have a particular one in mind yes.
Ever sang a whole song without missing any lyrics?
Of course. The brain space dedicated to lyrics in my head is stunning.
Has someone close to you ever told you they were going to commit suicide because of you?
No, thankfully. Idk what I would even do with that information.
Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
Of course. But even more so than any other past year. I really am a completely different person than I was a year ago, body mind heart soul.
Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Do i care? Yes, of course. Is that going to stop it? No, and so I cultivate trying not to care too much about it.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Not really. But I'll give a second chance to anyone. Third chances are almost impossible to come by though.
Where were you at 10:17 pm last night and what were you doing?
Interrogation! Um, I was at the party. I'm pretty sure I was drinking a tequila + orange/mango juice cocktail and talking in the kitchen?
Other than this, what are you doing?
Eating chips....yeah the ouch-y went away so I'm back to bored eating. I want to be done with this so I can watch Skins then sleep a precious few hours before reality sets in hard tomorrow.
Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was anticipating things and feeling a little nervous.
Who did you last get into a big argument with?
I don't do a lot of big arguing. Probably my mom. Or N if you count that silent one-sided stand-off as an argument.
Last thing you ate?
These tortilla chips that are chipotle flavored.
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
Three months? H'oh shit, look out. Getting through this quarter and writing/defending/getting my masters. Finally getting back to summer and porch drinking and flirting and happy colors and sun and dresses and flip flops and iced tea/coffee and yay. POSSIBLY starting this relationship I'm cautiously interested in.
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night person, for surety sure sure. But I do enjoy a morning here and there, with the sun rising and the birds chirping and the perfect coffee and on-the-go-ness.
Has anyone sang to you?
Yep, a few boyfriends.
How often do you lose your voice?
I don't think I really ever have. I don't fully think that's real...
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Three months? How far back does that go ... uh, yes. Yes sirree. Made that deadline by three days. SO THERE.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
Yes.
Does anybody hate you?
Probably by this point.
Is there something you’re looking forward to next month?
Next month is ... April? Uh, not specifically.
Does it bother you when people get drunk?
No. I get drunk a lot though, so ... what can you do.
Are you mad at someone right now?
Yes, honestly. I'm probably not over it yet, given that I'm still angry at him AND I'd have a hard time saying no to him.
How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
Relatively often. So much so that I don't even think I notice it as holding back nowadays. There are just things I say and things I of course do not.
Will tomorrow be a good day?
Let's hope so. Though I'm thinking it'll be a difficult one.
Do you like hugs and kisses?
Yes, of course.
What’s on your bed?
Flannel sheets that match my walls and are ridic warm (seriously, 30 seconds in that bed and it's a cocoon of body heat), down comforter wrapped in duvet cover, two pillows, quilt, blanket, and Hugh. ...that's a teddy bear, don't get any ideas.
Last person on your bed?
Me! Other than me...Z.
Is there one person in your life that can always make you happy?
Yes, thank goodness.
Jessica! Hello there.
Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
Everything I really wear nowadays is a pair of skinny jeans, so...yes.
If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
Classic. Well. I'd spy on the people I know, to see if they're who I really think they are. I'd travel, like hop on a plane to NY or London or Paris or somewhere. I'd steal a lot of money from a bank somewhere so I could be comfortably rich. I'd walk around naked, for sure. I'd see what secret meetings are like...like faculty members, governmental meetings. I'd also probably spy on some very attractive celebrities. SORRY.
Does the person you like, like you back?
Yeah, I think so. Though he's not doing well at showing it lately. I'm starting to doubt it.
What did you do last night?
Went to the joint bday party, drove home, ate some Nutella, Tumblred, and slept around 4 am.
Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Most definitely.
Are you your mum’s favorite child?
I don't want to say yes, but probably yes.
Are you happy with the way things are going?
Generally speaking, yes. But we're at the beginning of a quarter; everything seems hopeful and possible right now.
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
No, though I did wake up at noon (at my alarm) to check for a text message that had not come, then promptly went back to sleep for an hour or so.
Sleep on your back or stomach?
Sleep on my back more than my stomach, but mostly sleep on my side nowadays.
What were you doing before this survey?
Going to the bathroom. Informaaaaation.
Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
No, and I actually don't get that tendency. What is with that??
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Well, in the heart of the quarter when I'm tired as crap, usually five minutes at most, sometimes I swear it's less than 60 seconds from the time my head hits the pillow to when I'm crashed out. But now that I'm well-rested after a week of break...I don't know. It has been taking a good 10 minutes. Sometimes it'll take up to an hour if I'm trying something I can't really justify schedule-wise. Like, tonight...I have only been up for 11 hours, but I need to be up in 6. I SHOULD be sleeping right now, but I know getting in bed is futile and I don't want to sit there frustrated for an hour. Thus, surveys. Soon, Skins.
It’s Thursday night, where are you usually?
Used to be TV Thursday until things got awkward...before that used to be dinner with Dad...last quarter used to be vegging out post colloquium...nowadays it's just sort of watching the comedies and preparing for lab meeting.
Your Christmas list consists of?
I haven't officially made one, but unofficially in my brain it contains: a fancy cast iron tea pot and set with small round (no handle) cups, Just Dance 1 and 2 on Wii, workout DVDs (especially intense cardio, dance, or abs ones), Inglot pigments/mixing medium, this $179 purple dress that looks amazing on me from Macy's.
What movie is in your DVD player?
It's Boot Camp Cardio with Billy Blanks. And that shit was intense too.
If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
No questions asked? What exactly does that mean...I'm going to assume no consequences and no missing shit either. Scotland. Probably Edinburgh? Or of course New York.
What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Not a lot of 'greatness' in today...I'm going to say finding that the nailpolishes I was interested in were only $3 each AND they had the white which I decided today I wanted.
Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
Yes, of course. Grad school is chock full of self doubt.
What’s going on tomorrow night?
Probably sleeping early like a fool because I didn't sleep much tonight. Oh and I'm supposed to work out and try Express Yoga.
Do you know a lot of people with the same phone as you?
Yes. In fact I got it because I was jealous of the few people who already had it. I can think of at least...4 right away that have it.
Is your hair curly or straight right now?
Straight, but oddly up. Because it's fourth day hair. That's right. I've trained my hair to only be washed once a week, when I don't have to be seen all day every day. Another pro to break that may not continue into stress land of real life.
What do you really think of Starbucks Coffee?
I honestly don't like it very much. I used to be way into it, but I don't drink a ton of frou-frou drinks anymore, and really their frapps aren't that great anyway, taste-wise. They have the best texture of blended drinks, but it's all a little tasteless and bland to me nowadays.
Does anyone love you?
Yeah, I'm pretty lucky to have a lot of love in my life, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like that.
Want to be taller or shorter?
I'm fine where I am, but if I have to choose one, I'd rather be a little taller than shorter.
What are you listening to?
Just switched over to the divine "Furr" by Blitzen Trapper -- one of a very few songs that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me stop doing whatever I was doing when I heard it for the first time. Just...inexplicably perfect and catching and enthralling and engaging and necessary. Also, one of my birthday year songs ("on the day that I turned 23").
When was the last time you really laughed?
Probably yesterday at the party, when Karen was telling her story about sprinting too quickly.
Do you listen to music every day?
I think so, yeah. Between the radio in the car, the iPod on walks, Pandora while in the office, iTunes while working at home, music channels on the TV when cooking/cleaning/Internet-ing, and my iPod rigged to come on anytime my bathroom lights go on...I think I'm almost constantly music-ing. It'd be hard to avoid any one day, but maybe. I also go to sleep to an iPod playlist. Hmm.
Is the last person that you had a conversation with a male or a female?
Texting, female. Gchat, female. In person...female. So, female!
What’s the last thing you said out loud?
“Have a good night" to the grocery store worker as I checked out with my bounty of food that is now rolling around painfully in my stomach.
‘How was your day?
It was okaaaay though not as I imagined it in my hour of post-alarm hazy dream-sleep, nor as I planned it. Hang outs that should have turned into make outs got canceled and instead I just bought/ate a ton of shit. I did watch a lot of Skins and paint my nails though, and send a few emails I needed to. So... okay overall, but definitely not as good as or what I wanted.
Describe how you feel right now in three words:
Stuffed, anticipatory anxiety. Or if you want one sentence: Hoping things align.
If someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?
To love someone openly and have them love me back openly, to the same degree. Makeup and money and clothes and vacations and free time and entertainment and sleep. Happiness. To lose 30 pounds.
Has a girl sat on your bed before?
Yes. Multiple people have sat on my bed, but unlike today's possible plans and how they played themselves out in my dreams this morning...no one has been in it with me officially.
Plans for Saturday?
This Saturday? As of now, a big fat nothing. But my plans usually come together last minute for weekends, and also I would be a-okay with vegging here alone with that bottle of champagne I haven't managed to drink for the past month.
Who was the last person besides yourself to touch something on your face?
Weird question there, skippy. Um...Jean kissed me on the cheek last night, that counts, right?
What was your dream about last night?
I had weird ass dreams because I took Nyquil. But I don't expressively remember...oh wait, yes I do. I had made reservations at a really nice restaurant and asked J to come with me, who brought some friend (always a friend) and we got there on time, but we couldn't find where to go inside because it was combined hotel/restaurant. I went to find the concierge and check in, and he was foreign and busy-like and all "no, you don't check in at this desk, sit over there and wait." So we did, and then other people came including Karen who was trying to figure out if Paul was coming through text and I think others and everyone was getting restless and wanted to leave anyway, and our reservation was for 8:30 and it was 9:10 and I went back to that desk like COME ON DUDE we had a reservation for 3 at 6:30 (or 8:30, can't remember exactly) and it's much later than that now, and he goes "oh well you didn't say you had a reservation, yes your table is here" but then he sat us at the same table as another couple just a chair in between us, and it was awkward, and we had to decide who would come and who wouldn't since the reservation was only for 3, and J was weirdly silent/non-actor the entire dream. What that means -- who knows. Then I woke up, saw I had no message, did half-sleep and imagined all the inappropriate things I could be doing later that day in my apartment or his place. NONE OF WHICH HAPPENED. Ugh, expectations. Long answer!
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Nothing particularly notable at the exact moment, but you know...things are relatively good. Could certainly be much worse.
Where were you at 9 am this morning?
Dreaming that crazy shit I typed above.
Everything happens for a reason?
I think so , yes..
Are you too forgiving?
Probably. I'm at the very least someone who will let you get away with way too much if I care about you. I generally just don't think it's worth the effort to get worked up about things publicly. I prefer to go cry by myself thanks.
Do you think people talk about you?
Yes, I've learned that.
What do you carry with you at all time?
Maybe my phone. Not much nowadays, post the purse stealing.
Do you and your parents get along?
Mostly yes.
This time last year, were you single?
Yes. This time last year I was still working on getting over a certain long and drawn out situation that had recently definitively ended.
Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Searched? No.
Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes, at least if I'm in the front seat. And ALWAYS when driving. I just don't feel right without it on.
Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
Ha yes. Or at least that everyone hated for me, as in thought was terrible for/to me.
Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?
There are about 10 of those someones, but I have a particular one in mind yes.
Ever sang a whole song without missing any lyrics?
Of course. The brain space dedicated to lyrics in my head is stunning.
Has someone close to you ever told you they were going to commit suicide because of you?
No, thankfully. Idk what I would even do with that information.
Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
Of course. But even more so than any other past year. I really am a completely different person than I was a year ago, body mind heart soul.
Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Do i care? Yes, of course. Is that going to stop it? No, and so I cultivate trying not to care too much about it.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Not really. But I'll give a second chance to anyone. Third chances are almost impossible to come by though.
Where were you at 10:17 pm last night and what were you doing?
Interrogation! Um, I was at the party. I'm pretty sure I was drinking a tequila + orange/mango juice cocktail and talking in the kitchen?
Other than this, what are you doing?
Eating chips....yeah the ouch-y went away so I'm back to bored eating. I want to be done with this so I can watch Skins then sleep a precious few hours before reality sets in hard tomorrow.
Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was anticipating things and feeling a little nervous.
Who did you last get into a big argument with?
I don't do a lot of big arguing. Probably my mom. Or N if you count that silent one-sided stand-off as an argument.
Last thing you ate?
These tortilla chips that are chipotle flavored.
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
Three months? H'oh shit, look out. Getting through this quarter and writing/defending/getting my masters. Finally getting back to summer and porch drinking and flirting and happy colors and sun and dresses and flip flops and iced tea/coffee and yay. POSSIBLY starting this relationship I'm cautiously interested in.
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night person, for surety sure sure. But I do enjoy a morning here and there, with the sun rising and the birds chirping and the perfect coffee and on-the-go-ness.
Has anyone sang to you?
Yep, a few boyfriends.
How often do you lose your voice?
I don't think I really ever have. I don't fully think that's real...
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Three months? How far back does that go ... uh, yes. Yes sirree. Made that deadline by three days. SO THERE.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
Yes.
Does anybody hate you?
Probably by this point.
Is there something you’re looking forward to next month?
Next month is ... April? Uh, not specifically.
Does it bother you when people get drunk?
No. I get drunk a lot though, so ... what can you do.
Are you mad at someone right now?
Yes, honestly. I'm probably not over it yet, given that I'm still angry at him AND I'd have a hard time saying no to him.
How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
Relatively often. So much so that I don't even think I notice it as holding back nowadays. There are just things I say and things I of course do not.
Will tomorrow be a good day?
Let's hope so. Though I'm thinking it'll be a difficult one.
Do you like hugs and kisses?
Yes, of course.
What’s on your bed?
Flannel sheets that match my walls and are ridic warm (seriously, 30 seconds in that bed and it's a cocoon of body heat), down comforter wrapped in duvet cover, two pillows, quilt, blanket, and Hugh. ...that's a teddy bear, don't get any ideas.
Last person on your bed?
Me! Other than me...Z.
Is there one person in your life that can always make you happy?
Yes, thank goodness.
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