it's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know

In 2006 I..

(it must be that time again, for the 'end of the year' or 'year in review' surveys -- even though it's only the first, okay technically second, day of december)

[x] stayed single
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new
[x] made out
[ ] made out in a car
[ ] kissed in the snow
[ ] kissed in the rain
[ ] had my heart broken
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[ ] had a stalker
[x] lost a friend
[x] had a good relationship with someone
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation
[ ] came out of my closet
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[x] kissed someone of the same sex-on the cheeks!
[x] met someone that I will never forget
[x] did something I regret
[ ] lost my true love
[x] lost faith in love (I got it back though, thanks)
[ ] kissed under mistletoe
[ ] got a promotion
[ ] got a pay raise
[x] changed jobs (ideas of what I want as one, at least)
[ ] lost my job
[ ] quit my job
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[ ] got straight A's
[x] met a teacher who I became friends with
[x] met a teacher who I really hate
[x] found the subject I love
[ ] failed a class
[x] cut class
[x] skipped school
[ ] got in a fight with a classmate
[x] did something I was proud of
[ ]discovered a new talent
[x] proved myself an idiot
[ ] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[ ] fell in love with a teacher (in like, yes, but not love)
[x] was involved in something that I will never forget
[x] painted a picture
[x] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile 2000 times (that's over five miles a day -- geeeze)
[x] listened to music I couldnt stand (ew to the devil class)
[x] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[x] went to a sleepover
[ ] went to a campground
[ ] threw a surprise party
[x] laughed till I cried
[x] flirted shamelessly
[x] visited a foreign country
[x] visited a foreign state (I don't think we call them foreign...)
[x] cooked a disastrous meal (things burn ... it happens)
[x] lost something important to me
[x] got a gift I love
[x] realized something new about myself
[ ] dyed my hair
[ ] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died
[x] went to a wild party
[ ] got arrested
[x] saw a great movie
[ ] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[x] saw a favorite band live
[x] did something that I want to tell everyone
[x] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[x] found out who your real friends are
[x] lied to your parents
[x] snuck out
[ ] got in trouble with police
[ ] kissed in a pool
[ ] kissed under the stars
[ ] smoked
[x] went to a party
[x] had the time of your life
[x] danced
[ ] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preference
[x] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman
[ ] went snowboaring
[ ] went sledding
[x] slept in past 2pm
[x] held someones hand that you care about
[ ] got wasted in Mexico
[x] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[ ] gone on vacation
[ ] gone on vacation with a friend
[x] driven a car
[ ] played strip poker
[x] danced in the rain
[ ] got in a car accident
[x] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[x] had an amazing year (they're all amazing in ways, I suppose ... this one has been more the let's learn from our mistakes year)
[x] missed someone
[ ] got hit by car
[ ] sent someone to the hospital
[ ] got a new pet
[x] enjoyed this year overall











Apparently this is the Proust Questionnaire. At least, some version of it.


Your most marked characteristic? I care (whether it is about you, what someone thinks, myself, an object or event -- I don't think I've spent a single complacent moment in my life). Or, I am always thinking.

The quality you most like in a man? It is cliche, but true: a sense of humor. And that doesn't mean you have to make a whole room laugh, it doesn't mean you can't do that either -- it just means that you make me laugh. If I need anything consistently, it is laughter.

The quality you most like in a woman? Strength. The women I have admired most over the years have been unapologetic and unafraid in their strength.

What do you most value in your friends? That sense of connection, that you can share something with them and it means something, that they can know what you mean without having to stumble yourself over endless tirades of words which don't ultimately portray what you wanted anyhow. Comfort, honesty, knowing what I need when I need it, being able to be both serious and fun.

What is your principle defect? Probably that I tend to self-sabotage. I don't know if I have a problem being happy, but I know that if I don't have at least a few things to worry about, then I get worried by just that.

What is your favorite occupation? I have not tried many yet, but I do think veterinarian is the one for me. Besides that, acting (which ultimately I will not do, but I do think is something that highly appeals to me), teaching, and being an astronaut (I've always wanted to see Earth from space).

What is your dream of happiness? I do not dream to be completely content; that would be unattainable and disconcerting anyway. I suppose happiness for me is more waking up every day excited to live, to be with the people and places and objects within my life for yet another day. A sense of joy, a sense of excitement, a sense of want.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes? I think it would be incredibly unfortunate to not be able to laugh and just relax from time to time. I also think losing all your connections (human relationships, I mean) would be devastating, for I find I define large parts of myself based on these interactions. I'd also rather not be left alone while all those (people, things) I love are taken away.

What would you like to be? I would like to be an alive, loving, and truly living (not just existing) person who fulfills herself and others through her life.

In what country would you like to live? I'd greatly love to live in France. I might answer other places if I had confirmed with a visit my idealistic view of them (Ireland and England most prominently), but for now France (and particularly Paris) is my destination of sorts that I keep running to.

What is your favorite color? Cerulean. And I like many sorts of green, most of them the deep, dark, evergreen variety. And dark purples, and rich reds, and always black for clothing. I think I like cerulean first as a word (the vowels are so wonderful -- formidable) and then as a color.

What is your favorite flower? I love lillies. It took me awhile to figure this out; I thought rose, I thought tulip, I tried to pick rarer flowers perhaps to seem more unique myself, but lately I have come to find every flower I find exquisitely beautiful is a form of a lily.

What is your favorite bird? I don't know that I've ever thought about this question before. I like the little, quaint sparrows. And also the birds that were outside my window when we lived on Harwood that I still hear occasionally, the ones I used to call back to and we'd have a whole days worth of conversation. My whistles became our words.

Who are your favorite prose writers? I know that many will hate him when/if they read him, but Paulo Coehlo. Also, Shakespeare has a way with prose. I do enjoy F. Scott Fitzgerald's sentence structure -- it reminds me of my own (which is probably selfishly why I like it). I also enjoy Vonnegut (thanks to Buck -- I remember Cat's Cradle seemed infinitely odd to me).

Who are your favorite poets? Shakespeare again has a way with poetry, though I actually prefer his prose (it's largely poetic anyway, but focuses more on turns of language in the way I enjoy). I like Emily Dickinson on certain days, and usually only after someone has explained them to me (exception: Heart! We will forget him!). I had a fondness for Rosetti during high school, but I never read her anymore (it makes me feel ... mushy). I tried to pick up Rilke last year, but found I liked his prose better as well. Poetry doesn't always sit well with me. I always feel that I'd like it just a little better in prose.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? I don't know if I could possibly have a favorite hero of fiction. I greatly enjoy them flawed.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction? See above.

Who are your favorite composers? I love Mozart, which I know is cliche, but is so very, very true. I feel like he's a real musician's composer. He writes the most beautiful (sounding and feeling, when played) runs for woodwinds/strings. It's just fantastic. And I've never gotten ahold of anything of his (save most of the requiem ... I'm just not into the choral-ness, apparently) that I didn't sit down in parts and think -- genius. I also like Schumann, Bach's cello suites, Gershwin (even though he has mostly happy stuff -- Rhapsody in Blue made me want to play clarinet).

Who are your favorite painters? My favorite painters are Van Gogh (less of the Cubism stuff) mostly for sentimentality's sake, Renoir (probably my ultimate favorite), and really those are the only two I love. Anything grand and impressive -- but real-looking; I don't like to reach new standards of weird with paintings -- will probably attract my attention, at least for a few minutes, on some scale.

Who are your heroes in real life? My parents undoubtedly because I can imagine what a trial it is just to simply live, let alone to have children and complicate it all infinitely.

What is it you most dislike? I most dislike not being given a chance at all.

What natural gift would you most like to possess? I would like to possess the ability to hear something once and retain it. I'd also like to be able to dance, ballet and the sort.

How would you like to die? I'm sure I'd want to at some point, but I know I'd want it to have some sort of awareness to it. I don't want to just die in my sleep -- I like to wake up, I do. And it's death. There has to be some significance there, some knowledge, some experiencing of it. You only die once. You only end what you've worked on for years and years once. That can't just pass without recognition. But at the same time, I'd rather it not be excruciating, long, or slow.

What is your present state of mind? Presently, I am tired. I am also dejected that my step up was not met by another person; I truly wanted the situation to work out, either way, and now it appears as if it cannot. I am worried, as always, but relatively calm, again as usual. I have a nagging voice telling me I'm going to fail at life, again, as usual.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent? Being late. Eating badly from time to time. Hitting snooze on the alarm too much. Procrastinating. Not calling anyone back or even answering my phone in the first place. Being selfish.

What is your motto? I don't think I could sum it up here. I don't even know if I have one. They change from year to year, day to day. I make them fit my mood and days as I do anything else. Perhaps, to live, presently, and often.